Around Christmas time, I thought I was done. I had lost about 75 pounds and was feeling comfortable. Small. Collarbones and all. But then it just kept coming off. I was annoyed. I had bought new clothes. I was enjoying fitting into clothes. And then, all of a sudden, two weeks ago, my size 10s didn’t fit anymore. They were sliding off. My butt was looking… baggy. I had to admit it; I had lost another 10 pounds.
And part of me is fist! pumping! but the other part of me is annoyed that I have been to three Old Navys and still don’t have a second pair of size 8s in the cut that I wear. I am specific. It is the only cut that fits my thighs and butt and gives me no muffin top. And I am annoyed that I need ANOTHER blazer, in a 6.
I continually feel this division. The me that jumps up and down when I fit into a size 8 fights against the me that says, No more! You can’t spend any more money on clothes!
But mainly, mainly what I feel is astonishment. Jaw dropping astonishment. I was a size 14 when I was… 14. Before this I had never been in single digit sizes. I had never had collarbones. Or wrist bones. Or a spine. I had never jumped up and down gleefully without feeling winded. I had never walked up three flights of stairs without wanting to die. I had never sat on my husband’s lap without feeling uncomfortable and painfully aware that I was totally squashing him.
As of today, I am 160 pounds, which is still considered overweight. My BMI is 25.1. To be considered a healthy weight my BMI should be between 18.5 and 24.9. So, I might have a ways more to go.
I might not. I don’t have a goal number. I don’t have a goal size. I wanted to feel healthy. I felt healthy at 175. I feel healthier at 160. So maybe I will feel healthier still at 140? I assume I will stop getting smaller when my body is ready. Until then, I try will do my part to feed it good things and not sit at my desk for 14 hours straight.
I had a request for more before and after shots. So, here is February 2011 and February 2012, at our law school formal. Next week? More on how I eat and how I get it right sometimes and fail a lot of the time.