Last Wednesday my life and my plans got put on hold completely. My older sister went into labor two months early and I flew out to Ohio to be whatever help I could. Baby Ainsley is happy and healthy and far bigger than any preemie I’ve ever seen (with a ton of blonde hair!). We are all waiting on bated breath for the okay for her to come home from the NICU, no one more than my sister.
Being here has been great and hard. I have been given a chance to breathe and sift through my thoughts at a much slower pace than I usually allow. It would be an understatement to say a lot has happened in the past few months. Though I don’t relish freezing my ass off while doing it, you win some, you lose some. I have found myself reminiscing about college, which I tend to do when I am unhappy in my current situation. My college experience was everything I could ask for and more. Everything everyone told me it would be.
I feel as if I am starting from scratch, pressing the reset button. And I can’t get going until I get this February Bar out of the way. It is sitting in my tracks, a hurdle for me to jump. I feel restless. I want to get a move on. Law didn’t work out. Next please!
I think part of this feeling of restlessness has nothing to do with law and my career and everything to do with having to tell people that I am switching gears, starting new. I talked to my biological dad for the first time in awhile yesterday and he said, any idea on what you would like to do after the Bar? I said, something along the lines of, anything but law. He told me that I probably should have figured that out three years ago…
There is a reason we don’t have a great relationship.
I am not eager to tell people that I am heading for the hills and that none of this has worked out the way this was planned. Perhaps this is why teaching in rural Arkansas sounds so appealing? No one knows me there. No one knows that I am starting at square one. And I know that this is all ridiculousness because here I am telling you, my readers. I half tried to convince Rob that moving back to England was an excellent idea. Though, even in my ready to run state, I had to acknowledge that showing up in England, in the middle of winter, with no job would be a poor life choice.
Peace Corps? Teaching English in Korea? Anyone?
I don’t want wherever I land to be the backup plan. Oh, this is what Jen did because she couldn’t hack being a lawyer. No, this is what Jen did instead of being a lawyer, because being a lawyer was sucking out her soul. kthnx. Wherever I land will not be a backup plan. Right now being a lawyer is a backup plan. I hate it, but I could survive on a basic level and would have a paycheck.
Whatever I find has to be better than that. Right?