32 weeks

32 weeks and another milestone. 32 weeks is great for twins. It is great on the prematurity front. We are well beyond hoping for survival. We are looking at preemies that need to stay in the NICU but will likely have no long term developmental issues. Yay! Singletons are likely weigh about 3¾ lbs at 32 weeks. Given that E & O are twins and have been measuring a bit small, I am hoping for 3½ lbs. I have a growth appointment this Thursday where I will find out more. Three weeks ago they were just under 3, so I feel like 3½ lbs is a respectable goal. They are moving around and definitely taking up more room in my stomach.

It is a good thing that the girls are doing great because I am .. not. Almost every time I post a bump update I get so much positive feedback on Facebook and Instagram about how great I look and how I am handling everything so well. I love the support I get and it means the world to me. It makes me feel like I am actually keeping my shit together and can do this.

This past week I have felt like I can’t. I am too big. I am learning the first hard lesson about putting my children’s needs first. I want them out. Get out, get out, get out. I am done. I am going stir-crazy on bed rest. I feel like I have reached the end of the internet.. twice. I can barely walk or sit anymore. I want to have a temper tantrum and say NO MORE. My body is done. I would like it back, please and thank you.

But, the girls would benefit greatly from another 2 or 4 weeks. 4 weeks would be great for them. I feel like 4 weeks would kill me. Every day feels 5 days long. I just sit and eat Tums and watch daytime television and watch my feet turn into elephants. I now have added taking contraction meds every couple hours to stop my contractions. Also, a new fun development, the babies are now squishing my stomach pretty badly. I felt so full after eating a half a muffin this morning that I thought I was going to puke. I have tried supplementing with Ensure and my stomach did not take kindly to that. Ooof.

The days I go to the doctor exhaust me, especially the NSTs. They are uncomfortable and long and sometimes cause me to have contractions. Hearing my OB and peri go, Yay! another few weeks at least! brings me joy and makes me want to throw something. I should also mention that it is about 104° today with no end in sight. I am not naive to the impact this is having on my mood and my ability to just keep going.

Even when feeling this way threatens to engulf me, I try to focus on how much good it is doing for E & O. That is all I have to keep me from going completely insane. I want healthy babies more than I want my body back. More than I want to sleep through the night or go shopping. I do. I had another FFN test last Monday and it came back negative, so I have a 99.1% chance of making it another week. 33 weeks!

With these results, Rob and I made THE DECISION. He leaves for England Wednesday and returns the following Thursday. I told him all along that it was his decision and not mine to make, but when it came down to it, it was mine. Had I asked him to stay he would have. But I want him to go. I want him to be with his family, I want him to see his sister get married. Worst case scenario? He comes back to two children. That’s not a bad thing to come home to. I am calm about it. Zen.

I wouldn’t be in this place if it weren’t for the amazing support system I have. My mom drives me to and from the doctor multiple times a week. She comes up with things we need to do to get ready for the babies that keep me busy and help me forget about bed rest. She also makes me lunch and dinner and picks up after me. I don’t know where I would be without her. My dad washed all of our baby clothes and has done numerous loads of laundry for us. My sister graciously gave up her, much larger, bedroom for me and Rob (and the bébés). My whole family swapped rooms and painted and made our new room into a nursery while I sat and organized shampoo bottles under the sink. On top of that I have a church family that is all rooting for me, for us.  I usually have multiple visitors a week which helps a lot. 

If I didn’t have this abundance of support in my life Rob wouldn’t be going to England. Yes, he will be missed, but I won’t be alone. And I am super excited for him to go. He hasn’t been back since we moved here, over 4 years ago. Yes, I am super scared that I will unravel completely and have an actual temper tantrum while his gone, but I still want him to go.

Onto bump watch, week 32.

IMG_1682This is how I feel. What? How? Why?

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