I am sitting at the dining table, pretending to work, but really just thinking about going to get another latte.  I have no justification for wanting another latte.  I went to bed at 10:00 P.M. and woke up at 8:00 A.M.  I just want one.

I also feel that so many things tip me in the wrong direction these days that getting another cup of coffee might just bee all that I need to feel as if things are right again.  That or a shower.   Strapless bra and dress? Or jeans?  I don’t know.  And why would I get a burrito if I knew that I was going to dinner tonight? I feel on the edge.  Of sanity.  Or sadness.  Is it that I know something is coming to an end?  Or that I am tired of waiting?

I am having my gallbladder out next Friday and like the last surgery, it doesn’t seem real to me.  It is happening.  But I will be asleep, so what do I care?  I am hoping childbirth is something that I am able to not care about until the last minute.  For some reason, I am able to compartmentalize surgery in a way that I can’t with other things.  It gives me hope that I won’t spend nine months of pregnancy worrying about getting a child out of my body.

I had my arm implant out.  It makes me feel free for some reason.  I had no idea it was inhibiting me, but apparently it was.  I like that it is gone.  I will have my period back.  What kind of woman is excited about that?  I liked my period and the security that came with it.I got asked this week, “Why would a girl like you go to a school like this?”  Why would I?  It’s just more of the same.  My brother asked me what it is like to be working so hard towards a certain goal.  I have been working this hard my entire life.  I don’t know any difference.

I need a shower.  But I don’t want to redo my makeup.  That is laziness to a new level.  I am happy that it is Friday, but with a level of pessimism that I haven’t felt since adolescence, I just remind myself that I have to wake up and do it all again come Monday.  Oh Monday.  The only day I hate worse is Sunday.

Even this, my favorite, feels melancholy today.

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