by toothpaste for dinner

Rob and I are doing a new study together with a group on campus reading this book.  It focuses on spiritual practices in the day-to-day.  This week, the focus was on emptying.  The need to give things up and let things go.  To learn to hold on loosely.

Each of us was asked to give something up over this week.  To quit something.  I spent a long time thinking about this.  Last year I gave up Perez Hilton.  It was just… unnecessary in my life and causing distraction.  I am not even linking to it.  Don’t go there!  So I decided one day, two Aprils ago, that I wasn’t going to spend time there anymore.  And I haven’t.  I have filled my web-surfing time with blogs that are more uplifting and worthy of the time I fritter away on the internet.  Like here and here  and here. (And here, here, here, here, here and here). Oh! And I just ended up here and I love it. Sorry, but I felt like I had to share the love for all my favorites equally.

I considered giving up time on the internet, but that is my down time.  That, and I am just starting to sincerely build connections through my blog and I love it.  I love writing.  And, I don’t think I am being asked to give up something that I love – that is doing no harm to me or my spiritual walk.  I mean, it is through blogging that I have ended up here and here.  Both good places to spend time.

So I thought about sugar, or refined grains, or drinking only organic milk.  But since my surgery, giving up food items is whatever to me.  I eat so little it didn’t really make sense.  I was rolling around with this.  I thought about giving up swearing but Rob vetoed that hardcore.  He had his reasons (I am, however, trying to be better about swearing.  Shh! Don’t tell him.)

What in my life causes me to stumble?  What takes away from living life the way I should be?

And then a light came on and I knew what it had to be.  Unquestionably.  Ambien.  Oh Ambien, bane of my existence.  It started as something I would use to fix a problem and has become a crutch.  I would take it to fall asleep quickly, but it made me so groggy in the mornings and was so unnecessary.  I get nervous if I can’t sleep so Ambien is the easy way out.  No effort involved.

But, I shouldn’t do it.  I shouldn’t rely on it.  I am messing with my body unnecessarily.  I am making myself constantly tired.  So I nap.  So I need Ambien.  Oh Ambien.  No more!

So I am weaning myself off.  And I feel good.

And sane.

And awake.

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