notes from a new frontier

I’ll let everyone in on a secret. The writing part of my blog is a breeze, compared to the other aspects. Twenty minutes tops. It’s the pictures that take up a big chunk of time. Rob would call it a faff. Because he is British and can pull things like that off. Importing, editing, cropping, compressing.. etc. However, I hate posting without pictures. Boooring. But, for right now, I want to write and don’t have the time to do the pictures multiple times a week. So, here goes a post with no pictures. Or maybe just one..

Both Evelyn and Olivia have been home since Sunday afternoon. It started about the way it has continued. The NICU woke me up Sunday morning to ask if I would like to take Evelyn home, two days earlier than we had anticipated. Yes, we would!! This lead to an insane dash trying to get everything together. No, her going home outfit wasn’t clean. No, I hadn’t written the thank you cards to the nurses. No, we hadn’t showered. So we scrambled around like mad people and maybe Evelyn came home in an outfit that was only 90% dry, but whatever. She is here now.

And that is a little how life has felt since then – especially the nights. If any of you have read about my anxiety, you know that a lot of it stems from my struggles with sleeping. Going to bed at night knowing that I am going to be woken up dozens of times does little for my anxiety, but there really is no other option right now. I don’t even want to think about what life will be like when Rob has to go back to work and the feedings are no longer a team effort. Right now, Rob and I take the midnight feed and the 3:00 a.m. feed. My mom and dad, praise Jesus, take the 6:00 a.m. feed. Someone tell me they start sleeping for 4 hour stretches soon. Last night both girls decided that sleep was for the weak and partied all night long. Thank you, ladies.

In this, there are things I am thankful for. I am thankful for Top Gear, for getting us through the evening feeds. I am thankful for Ellen, making it possible for me to pump for an extended period of time without losing my mind. I am thankful for Vitamin water, peanut butter M&Ms, and yogurt. I am thankful for my family for making this physically possible. I am thankful for Rob, for not making me feel guilty for needing way more sleep than he does. Sometimes after pumping for a long time I am just so physically exhausted I feel like my legs might come out from under me.

I know I am still healing. I had my two week check up and I get to drive now! I snuck out to the grocery store last weekend. It was my first time doing something on my own since my 26th week. Who knew buying bacon could be so exhilarating. Emotionally, aside from the lack of sleep, I know I have a ways to go until my hormones settle back in. The other day I found myself missing pregnancy. And then I was like, wait, what?Pregnancy was awful. Hormones. 

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