A Dark Place

Read the title…. k?  Does this sound like something you want to read? No? Okay. Then go spend some time here, it’s quite nice.

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My first year in England was rough.  I didn’t have many friends.  I didn’t know where to go to make friends.  My course load was ridiculously light.  I hated where I lived.  If it weren’t for Rob, I would have left like a bat out of hell.  I clearly remember sometime around February realizing that I was sleeping about 12 hours a day and thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me??  By the time February had rolled around Rob and I had been dating for about four months and were ridiculously in love.  I had finally created a small but awesome network of friends.  I should have been happy.

Fast forward to my second year in England.  Rob and I are living in a teeny tiny flat in London.  We are in our first year of marriage and quite in love.  After a year apart it is still exciting to get to wake up to him every morning.  I am working on a masters and he is actually doing an engineering job.  Things weren’t going as smoothly as we’d hoped (bad neighborhood, broke, masters not quite what I expected) but we had each other.  This time around I wasn’t aware of the haze until it lifted.

I flew home that November to do many, many things.  Attend my mother’s 50thbirthday party and take the LSATs were up there on that list.  Mom and I were en route to visit a law school, to the best of my recollection, and stopped for breakfast.  I don’t know what it was, but stepping out of the car I noticed just how green the trees were around me and just how bright the grass was.  It was like I was seeing in color again for the first time in months.

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These past few weeks have been heavy for me.  I have been feeling… weighed down and trapped inside my head.  If I am ever short with someone for no apparent reason, it is because they are interrupting the constant whirring in my head that I can’t seem to calm down.  Can’t you see you are making me put my anxious musings on hold?

The other day, the job interview day, was one of those constant whirring days.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around what I wanted.  I couldn’t make a decision.  I was snappy with Rob because he was interrupting the insanity that was going on in my head.  I couldn’t fall asleep until 2:00 a.m. so I decided to give myself the morning off and actually sleep in until I woke up.  The days that I do that are rare, generally sleeping in means about 8:30 a.m.  I slept until 11:00 a.m.

I woke up in the summertime.  Light was streaming through my window and I hopped out of bed got myself ready and headed out the door.  There was this sense of buoyancy, lightness.  Everything was going to be okay.  The haze from the previous night had dissipated.  I knew where I would be working for the summer and I was at peace about it.  I smiled on the way to school.

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Then I sat in my afternoon class, afraid of what would happen next.  I would head out of the building, into the night.  The sun of the day had left while I learned about methods of cross-examination.  I didn’t want to imagine it.  That the sun that had filled me with such hope and peace was gone.

It wasn’t until the next day, during my break between classes that I realized how much it helped me.  I have forty minutes to kill midmorning, twice a week.  I usually sit at my computer, waiting for the next class to begin.  Remembering how happy the sun had made me the day prior, I went outside.  I called Rob.  I enjoyed the warmth.

I have known for a long time that the lack of sun affects me, but I didn’t realize how much until last week.  I live in southern California for goodness sake, how could I not be getting enough sun? This felt so similar to the haze I experienced when I was in England long term.  A kind of fog that I could lift my head up out of.  But it is California.  The sun shines every damn day. 

But then I asked myself, do you actually see the sun? Nope.  I don’t.  I get to school or work before it is up in the sky, am inside for the day, and then head home as it sets.  I have maybe an hour in natural light and no time at all in direct sunlight.  Today is more of the same.  Drive to school, drive home, sit at the desk, eat dinner, go to sleep, do it again.

So, now I know.  And knowing is half the battle!  I will be taking my morning breaks outside.  I will be going on more walks for my exercise.  I will be making my phone calls on the patio. I will actually be making the conscious choice to feel the sun on my skin multiple times a day.

Here comes the sun…

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