a lesson in pride

I am embarrassed very easily.  And it sticks with me.  Forever.  I can still tell you things that I was embarrassed by that happened when I was in fifth grade.  And I still flush thinking about them.  I don’t like people thinking I am an idiot, I don’t like stumbling in front of others.  Call it pride, call it whatever you want, but it upsets me.

Well, this week I had a lesson in pride and embarrassment.  I started my summer internship and I got kicked in the teeth and fell hard.  Over and over again.  I know that you all hate me being vague, but I have to leave it vague.  I screwed up royally in front of a judge.  And then in front of a superior.  And then in front of a coworker.  And then I crawled into a hole and died.

I have fixed each situation to the best of my ability every step of the way, but I still get pink thinking about them.  I may have cried at work.  Twice.

And, if anything, it is teaching me that I need to grow a thicker skin.  To be quicker about dusting myself off in situations like this.  I am an intern.  This is supposed to be a learning experience.  I need to take a deep breath when having my shortcomings handed down to me. I need to chant to myself this is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is a learning experience.

I am picking myself up off the mat and reminding myself that I can’t expect myself to get it right the first try – or even the third try. For now, I have to be okay with learning from my mistakes and moving forward. I am not expected to be awesome at it right out of the gate.

Anyone who says otherwise needs to fuck off.

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