I am an anxious person by nature. Anxious about everything, many things I have no control over. It is one of the things I truly do not like about myself but being angry at yourself about being anxious can just turn things into a vicious circle. Then you are not only anxious you are angry and therefore act weirdly, causing your husband to think he has dome something wrong (oops).
It has been a month since I turned in my essays from the beginning of term and I haven’t heard back about any of them. Can you guess what I am feeling anxious about? I am actually worried that I have failed two of the essays. Not just done poorly, failed. I don’t think that my work was poor enough to receive a fail but English grading is so bizarre and foreign to me I think it just might happen. 70 is basically the highest mark they give (if you get a 75 you should basically be glowing). A 50 is a fail. So basically that gives me 20% to work with. I find this absurd. absurd. In undergrad if I turned a somewhat shitty paper I would be concerned about getting a C. Do you know how many Cs I got on papers in undergrad? One. On a paper about Frankenstein. A book I hate.
So now, being thrust into this new system where I have only gotten two proper papers back (B and B+) I am spending my days trying not to totally wig out. Something that happens every once in a while in the world of Jen. I am thinking hopefully, maybe I will get one paper back tomorrow in class – but I am not counting on it.
There you have it. The reason behind my lack of wedding planning enthusiasm and the reason why I feel I have accomplished so little this week = Shitty papers. Or, more precisely, papers that I am waiting to find out if they were shitty.