- mainly irrelevant thoughts -
It happened again. Rob and I were told that we are an adorable couple. This is very similar to when I get told I am adorable. I think it might come from the fact that many people think we are newlyweds. I just look at the person like, whaaa?? And then politely say thank you, because I am not a meanie.
I love Rob to bits. But I would never ever say that we are adorable. I would say we are friggin weird. And mostly annoying.
I mean, just look at this. Friggin weird.
Feel free to look away.
This day, was one of the best days. 27. Juris Doctor. Family. Cupcakes. Pretty dresses. Flowers. Ducks. Waterfalls. Presents.
One of the best days.
I started therapy when I was about six. I, out of nowhere, stopped sleeping. Just stopped. Going to bed terrified me. I would start to panic as soon as dusk set in. Thinking about it, I can still remember my heart rate quickening as I realized the sun was going down. It was bedtime soon.
The therapist wasn’t much help. She tried every avenue and we couldn’t figure out why bed terrified me. As a six year old, it was hard to verbalize what I now have lived with for years. I am afraid of being unable to fall asleep. That possibility strikes panic into my body. I would become so overwhelmed by the fear I would throw up. But, the therapist decided my dad was beating me. Definitely not true.
I would lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and think about anything frightening or overwhelming, unable to fix my thoughts on something happy or relaxing. I became afraid of the TV, lest there be a scary commercial or show on. It would haunt me as I struggled to sleep that night.
Throughout elementary school the problem slowly faded, without anyone really figuring it out, but it cropped back up when I got to the end of middle school. Somehow, even though my new therapist wasn’t much better, we came up with a better solution. Just let her watch TV until she falls asleep. I fell asleep to Martha Stewart for almost all of high school. Martha Stewart was safe. Martha Stewart had a soothing voice and there were no scary commercials on The Food Network.
I left for college and sleep wasn’t an issue for me for the first year or so. But the fear came back in my sophomore year and then my junior year. My senior year I was dating Rob long distance so it was worse than ever. I never went on too little sleep, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I would go to bed at 10, not fall asleep until 2, then not get up until 10.
And it has been back for about a year.
It resurfaces in times of stress and anxiety. The first time it happened back when I was six, in the span of about two years I had experienced a lot of change for a kid. My mom remarried, we moved, mom had my little brother, Nana had a stroke, Grandpa had open heart surgery, etc… But, as a six year old, it was hard to connect the dots. I don’t think I really connected it until I was in college.
So here I am, in probably one of the most stressful times of my life, not sleeping. Still not sleeping.
The sun is setting.
Means driving across LA, with a yowling cat, by yourself. But this time, I discovered the secret. I put him in my lap and sang Suit & Tie to him all the way home. He tucked his little nose in my elbow and pretended like the freeway didn’t exist. I would like to thank JT for the help he provided in calming Stormy down.
Finishing law school means moving away from some fucking awesome roommates. And no, having roommates never meant I got divorced. Thanks everyone for making me feel like a married freak with roommates. Whatever. It was fun to pretend to be sisterwives.
It means moving back in with your parents. This house now includes four cats (none of which like each other) and six humans (who mostly like each other). I waiver back and forth between being very pleased and very nervous. Living with my family is generally pretty awesome. But my family mixed in with the Bar..
Means… the Bar. Bar study, full time. I have spent a good seven hours this weekend studying. Which is nearly nothing compared to what I am going to have to do soon, but if you consider that this weekend I also moved across LA County, celebrated Mother’s Day and landed myself in the ER, then seven hours seems pretty legit.
It means continuously clicking refresh, hoping for grades. Please let me have passed everything. Note this is not titled “Graduating law school..”
And finally, for me, finishing law school means a trip to the ER for “just a virus.” Thanks body, I appreciate it greatly. If I could not sound like a frog by graduation day, that would be cool.
