Adorable

November 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Though I had many warnings regarding the side effects of losing a significant amount of weight, there are some that I have had to experience myself to believe to be true.  I was told that people would treat me differently.  And they have.  I was told that it would be difficult to see or accept myself as “thin” or “normal.” And it has been.  I was told that my relationship with food would change.  There is no questioning that.

Over a year out, there are some things that I expected, some that threw me for a loop. One of the reasons I am writing this is that I am freezing.  I never thought about the effect a significant loss of body weight would have on my ability to keep warm.  I have always run cold, actually quite cold.  But now!  I am like a whale without her blubber.  I need a sweater.  RIGHT NOW. Actually, I just bought three sweaters yesterday because I have been so cold at the office.

The other thing I never expected – the new and different adjectives people use to describe me.  Now, no one called me fat to my face before, but I was described as curvy on numerous occasions.  Apparently, I am now “tiny” and “adorable.”  Tiny??  I still don’t feel tiny at all.  Or adorable.  I mean, I do feel smaller, significantly smaller.  But not tiny.  Just normal.  Which is all I wanted.

Also, smaller clothes.  Size small.  Sometimes I still search for the size XL on the rack.  Sometimes I think, I can’t wear that, it is much too small.  All this is to say, sometimes it takes awhile for your head to catch up with your body.  I can physically get on my scale and know that I am nowhere near overweight (or underweight as some have suggested, thankyouverymuch) but sometimes it is hard to know that in my head.  But, then I realize, I feel healthy.  I can walk up a flight of stairs.  I can dance.  My husband can lift me.  All of this is real.  All this work has been real.

The other thing that they tell you, that you really need to learn for yourself, is that the battle is never really over.  I still struggle with overeating.  I still eat the wrong things.  I still love sugar.  And butter.  I still beat myself up for it.  And the cycle continues.

I continue to fight to be healthy.  Not to be adorable.  Thought, I will admit, I enjoy the compliments.  But I wanted to be healthy.  And that is what I fight for.  I think it is a constant uphill battle for many people.  I used to think that there were people that were just naturally healthier than others.  And while I understand that there are people that are just naturally thinner than others, I don’t think that anyone is naturally healthier anymore.  Everyone has to practice self-care.  Everyone needs to exercise.  I don’t know why, but for some reason, that makes me feel better about it.  No one gets a free pass.

So, here I am, feeling not very adorable, in my jeans that are too big and my hair pinned back, on a Sunday night.  I have been researching for a paper for hours.  I am anxiously awaiting my dinner so my eyes can take a break from my computer screen.

And, true to form, the battle is not over.  I have been craving pasta for days.  So I am having pasta.

Made of zucchini.

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Fist pumps all around.

April 17, 2012 By 5 Comments

Around Christmas time, I thought I was done.  I had lost about 75 pounds and was feeling comfortable.  Small.  Collarbones and all.  But then it just kept coming off.  I was annoyed.  I had bought new clothes.  I was enjoying fitting into clothes.  And then, all of a sudden, two weeks ago, my size 10s didn’t fit anymore.  They were sliding off.  My butt was looking… baggy.  I had to admit it; I had lost another 10 pounds.

And part of me is fist! pumping! but the other part of me is annoyed that I have been to three Old Navys and still don’t have a second pair of size 8s in the cut that I wear.  I am specific.  It is the only cut that fits my thighs and butt and gives me no muffin top.  And I am annoyed that I need ANOTHER blazer, in a 6.

I continually feel this division.  The me that jumps up and down when I fit into a size 8 fights against the me that says, No more! You can’t spend any more money on clothes!

But mainly, mainly what I feel is astonishment.  Jaw dropping astonishment.  I was a size 14 when I was… 14.  Before this I had never been in single digit sizes.  I had never had collarbones.  Or wrist bones.  Or a spine.  I had never jumped up and down gleefully without feeling winded.  I had never walked up three flights of stairs without wanting to die.  I had never sat on my husband’s lap without feeling uncomfortable and painfully aware that I was totally squashing him.

As of today, I am 160 pounds, which is still considered overweight.  My BMI is 25.1.  To be considered a healthy weight my BMI should be between 18.5 and 24.9.  So, I might have a ways more to go.

I might not.  I don’t have a goal number.   I don’t have a goal size.  I wanted to feel healthy.  I felt healthy at 175.  I feel healthier at 160.  So maybe I will feel healthier still at 140?  I assume I will stop getting smaller when my body is ready.  Until then, I try will do my part to feed it good things and not sit at my desk for 14 hours straight.

I had a request for more before and after shots.  So, here is February 2011 and February 2012, at our law school formal.  Next week?  More on how I eat and how I get it right sometimes and fail a lot of the time.

 

 

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Fluff

February 10, 2012 By 1 Comment

After several serious posts, its time for some fluff. Delicious fluff.  Ever since having surgery I have had to relearn how to eat.  I have minimal space in my stomach so I always want to ensure what goes in there is good for me.  A few months after the surgery I was craving something ANYTHING sweet.  I had a bag of gummy bears.  I sure learned my lesson.  Hardcore.  So… much… pain.  I have spent the last eight months retraining and relearning my eating habits.

One benefit of being back in California is TRADER JOES.  Yes, I love me some Trader Joes.  Before the surgery I loved it for its cookies and its salads and its taquitos.  Now that my stomach is itty bitty salads are not a good idea.  Simply not enough nutritional value in there.  Cookies – def not.  Sugar makes me sick.  Taquitos are a possibility, but I can really only fit about one.

So, on one of my recent shopping trips I took it slow.  I really looked at everything that Trader Joes has to offer. It is so easy to miss something awesome.  So, without further ado, here are some of my new favorites.

These are brand new.  They are tofu nuggets.  In my house we call them tofuggets.  Which sounds vaguely dirty, but I am a big fan of smashing words together.  I am not a tofu person.  Tofu is gross.  It is slimy.  It has no flavor.  It is not good.  Why the hell did I buy these?  Because I love edamame.  LOVE.  And these tofuggets have edamame in them.  SOLD!  And guess what?  They are DEEEE-LICIOUS.  Like chicken nuggets.  Flavorful.  Crunchy on the outside, tender on the inside.  But with edamame!!  Score.  And with 10 grams of protein (must reach 60 a day) per serving these are awesome.  One note though – I cook them for about 5 minutes longer than recommended – they puff up and get crispier then.

Eggface turned me on to these little cheese triangles.  They are a little on the pricey side, but I get them for a treat a couple times a month.  It is a great way to have some nicer cheese without committing to a whole block of it.  People that are post surgery can’t eat much in one sitting.  A whole block of cheese can be hard to get through without some help!  So these are perfect.  And the cheeses are great.  All with different flavors, nothing bland.  A nice switch from my usual cheddar cheese sticks from Target (though I have hard core love for my Market Pantry cheddar cheese sticks).  The Manchego is my favorite.

Okay, I don’t know if these little guys are new or if I just discovered them but I love them.     They are lower in the protein than just eating straight chicken, but I am so tired of chicken breasts that I needed something new (hence my willingness to try tofuggets).  The lemongrass flavor is pretty intense so if you don’t like lemongrass I would skip it.  I happen to like lemongrass and find them to be delicious.  Light, crunchy, not greasy like some eggrolls.

Well, that’s a wrap.  There are some Trader Joes products that I have been disappointed with – but maybe you just shouldn’t buy eggplant parmesan frozen.  Or maybe I don’t like eggplant.

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25

June 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I have lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks. That is so surreal to me. I still can’t really tell. I can tell that my stomach is a bit smaller and my face is a bit slimmer, but other than that, I still look like me. There are other ways I can tell, mainly by how my clothes fit. My jeans are too big. My boobs must be shrinking. My bras are sliding all over the place. Tops now need undershirts so I don’t look exceptionally slutty. Even more slutty than I can handle. And I can handle a lot.

But there are downsides too. I am consuming only about 400 calories a day. It is all I can fit right now. With my stomach still healing, I can only eat about ¼ cup of food at a time. Many many things I try to eat make me sick. Many things I used to eat with enthusiasm are now off putting. I feel like a pregnant lady.  I used to love edamame but I tried it last night and… gross. I am slowly working on incorporating new foods into my diet. Shredded chicken and pork seems to be what I can handle the best. Even eggs have proven hard to digest.

Slowly, over time, as my stomach heals, I will be able to go from ¼ cup to a ½ cup to a whole cup of food in a sitting. When my nutritionist told me that in a few months I should be eating about a cup of food in a meal I nearly died. I have to eat my ¼ very slowly. Lots of chewing.

I am happy thus far. I do worry about this being “forever.” I will never eat like a normal person again. But then I think, I didn’t eat like a normal person before. I ate like someone who was obese, slowly eating herself to death. So I guess this is the new normal for me. I will be posting pictures, slowly. I think monthly is the way to go so tune in next week for a before and after pic.

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