The good, the bad, and the anxious..
I have never shied away from sharing the harder parts of my life, so why start now?
This week has been rough. The girls are growing and thriving and getting chunky. I am on the edge. Olivia is going through a phase where if you don’t feed her exactly when she is hungry she screams bloody murder and is then inconsolable for the entire rest of the night. No pressure. Sometimes she decides she is hungry when I am in the middle of pumping (MAKING THE FOOD) and I am trying to hold her while she kicks the suction cups off my boobs. Then I am covered in milk and no one is happy.
Speaking of pumping. Talk about pressure. I went into this hoping that I could nurse both girls. Ha. That went out the window before the girls came home from the NICU. For one, I can’t be the only one who feeds them. I would die. Every feed with both babies? Nope. I value my sleep and my sanity too much for that. Further, the girls being preemies, I really need to be able to see how much the girls are eating at every feed. Sure, there are ways to estimate when they nurse, but with pumping I can say Evelyn took 2.5 ounces at the last feed and Olivia took 3 ounces. Done. So, I pump. And it is not fun. I don’t like it. It is boring and uncomfortable and sticky. I don’t like that it is extremely difficult for me to help with the girls while I am hooked up to the machine (hello, kicky babies). I don’t like that it is taking a ton of work and perseverance on my part to continue to make a reasonable amount of milk. I hate that if I am away from the house for too long my boobs start to kill. In short, I am doing everything I can to make sure the girls get breastmilk and it is exhausting. Yay, motherhood!
The girls are both having two main struggles right now: constipation and colds. They are both struggling to breathe out of their noses which makes eating fun for both of them. Lots of snuffling. We use the NoseFrida which I find pretty gross, but Rob is a champ at. I will say, it does work better than a standard aspirator. The constipation seems to be under control as best as it can be. My pediatrician recommended mixing prune juice with milk/formula and it has ended a lot of their discomfort. Changing pruney diapers is delightful.
I mentioned, when the girls came home, that a lot of my anxiety revolves around sleep. That hasn’t changed. I have come up with ways to cope. Instead of going to bed after the girls 9:oo p.m. feed, I stay up through their next feed. I would rather just be awake than be awoken by screaming babies. I nap during the day to account for this. Then between the midnight feed and the 3:00 a.m. feed Rob is in charge of any fussing. I feel like I can sleep deeply without worrying. Then I am in charge of fussing from 3:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. I like this shift because at the end of it, the girls are transferred to my parents. Even if I don’t sleep at all, I know that when it is time for the next feed I am off duty for the next several hours. I am sure this is all terribly boring for you, but it is how I manage. Of course this regularly goes to hell and we are just in survival mode.
Rob went back to work this week and whoa nelly. We are doing everything we can to make sure he gets a decent amount of sleep but our system regularly falls apart. We have not figured out how we can have one person feed both babies, so every single feed takes two people. Yesterday I watched Rob apologize to the fridge when he ran into it. The Brits are just so polite.
This weekend we bit off more than we could chew and had newborn photos taken, got the girls baptized, and had a baby shower. My church wanted to host a baby shower while I was still pregnant but with bed rest it never happened. So, we did a baptism shower combo and it worked great. The girls were champs. Very few tears and only a little puke. I, however, was a hot mess by the end and somehow managed to throw my back out. But the baptism was amazing and so special. I grew up in this church, with this pastor. He’s known me since I was in 10th grade. My church family threw a beautiful shower. Rob and I are very lucky.
This is a Wubbanub. We love it. It is especially helpful when Liv loses her mind.
I had to order emergency baptism outfits since the girls are still pretty tiny. Also, maybe I didn’t know the difference between newborn size and 0-3 month size until last week. I don’t want to talk about it.
Until next week… If you need me, I will be flat on my back, attempting to pump.