Yep. F+.

That is what I received on my last paper. F+. Not a D, not a D-. But an F+. Ridiculous. I am not an F student. I am not even a C student. I got two B- the whole time I was in college. One in a class I stopped going to half way through. The other in Spanish. I don’t think I somehow got stupider between college and grad school. I don’t think that I am incapable of doing well in grad school. Something is broken here.

I got the e-mail, telling me about the F+ and had a mini break down. Cried a bit, called Rob and then tried to move forward. After all, I was working, and no one needs a crying receptionist. So I shoot an e-mail off to my professor. What do I do now? Is it even worth sitting exam at this point? Have I failed the class entirely? Have I failed out of school? Is this a point of no return type of thing? His response was less than satisfactory. Don’t worry about it. I was sorry to see you didn’t do well (Um, hello, you gave me the grade). As long as you take my comments on board you will be fine. Don’t worry about it, seriously. Whatevs. This is a paraphrase, but seriously, that is the gist.

So, in problem solving mode. I look through the rules of my degree. I am permitted to fail one class and still pass. Given that I do reasonably well in my other classes I will be fine. I am studying my ass off for this exam, given that if I do well I will pass this class with a C. Because, what you don’t realize, is that there is 1% difference between a C and an F+. There is no C-, there is no D. So, here I am, with my F+. Absurd.

Given that I have firmly decided that I am heading off to law school, this MA serves no purpose for me. It is going to be a weird blip on my resume. But a $25,000 mistake is unnecessary and not an option. I need to pass this degree. Who knows, maybe it will make me look better on my law school apps (if I decided to include it!). I think this apathy is one of the main reasons I am not doing well. You can’t create commitment. Further to this, the English system isn’t for me. I don’t like it and I don’t thrive in it. This difficulty I have makes me resentful and angry towards the school I go to, which doesn’t make things any better. It makes me idealize the perfect American university I went to, where I did well and loved my professors.

So, this is why the fun blogging has been put on hold. I am trying my best to sit at my desk and pack my knowledge full of information about health care systems while the sun is shining gloriously outside. I can smell flowers and people having barbeques as I sit at this desk.

And, for those of you who are put off by foul language, stop reading here.

I could go on and on about my degree and my feelings on it and how I just want to be done and how it was a bad idea in the first place.

But, these three words work best:

fuck. this. shit.

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