Fist pumps all around.

Around Christmas time, I thought I was done.  I had lost about 75 pounds and was feeling comfortable.  Small.  Collarbones and all.  But then it just kept coming off.  I was annoyed.  I had bought new clothes.  I was enjoying fitting into clothes.  And then, all of a sudden, two weeks ago, my size 10s didn’t fit anymore.  They were sliding off.  My butt was looking… baggy.  I had to admit it; I had lost another 10 pounds.

And part of me is fist! pumping! but the other part of me is annoyed that I have been to three Old Navys and still don’t have a second pair of size 8s in the cut that I wear.  I am specific.  It is the only cut that fits my thighs and butt and gives me no muffin top.  And I am annoyed that I need ANOTHER blazer, in a 6.

I continually feel this division.  The me that jumps up and down when I fit into a size 8 fights against the me that says, No more! You can’t spend any more money on clothes!

But mainly, mainly what I feel is astonishment.  Jaw dropping astonishment.  I was a size 14 when I was… 14.  Before this I had never been in single digit sizes.  I had never had collarbones.  Or wrist bones.  Or a spine.  I had never jumped up and down gleefully without feeling winded.  I had never walked up three flights of stairs without wanting to die.  I had never sat on my husband’s lap without feeling uncomfortable and painfully aware that I was totally squashing him.

As of today, I am 160 pounds, which is still considered overweight.  My BMI is 25.1.  To be considered a healthy weight my BMI should be between 18.5 and 24.9.  So, I might have a ways more to go.

I might not.  I don’t have a goal number.   I don’t have a goal size.  I wanted to feel healthy.  I felt healthy at 175.  I feel healthier at 160.  So maybe I will feel healthier still at 140?  I assume I will stop getting smaller when my body is ready.  Until then, I trywill do my part to feed it good things and not sit at my desk for 14 hours straight.

I had a request for more before and after shots.  So, here is February 2011 and February 2012, at our law school formal.  Next week?  More on how I eat and how I get it right sometimes and fail a lot of the time.


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