I am sitting at the dining table, pretending to work, but really just thinking about going to get another latte. I have no justification for wanting another latte. I went to bed at 10:00 P.M. and woke up at 8:00 A.M. I just want one.
I also feel that so many things tip me in the wrong direction these days that getting another cup of coffee might just bee all that I need to feel as if things are right again. That or a shower. Strapless bra and dress? Or jeans? I don’t know. And why would I get a burrito if I knew that I was going to dinner tonight? I feel on the edge. Of sanity. Or sadness. Is it that I know something is coming to an end? Or that I am tired of waiting?
I am having my gallbladder out next Friday and like the last surgery, it doesn’t seem real to me. It is happening. But I will be asleep, so what do I care? I am hoping childbirth is something that I am able to not care about until the last minute. For some reason, I am able to compartmentalize surgery in a way that I can’t with other things. It gives me hope that I won’t spend nine months of pregnancy worrying about getting a child out of my body.
I had my arm implant out. It makes me feel free for some reason. I had no idea it was inhibiting me, but apparently it was. I like that it is gone. I will have my period back. What kind of woman is excited about that? I liked my period and the security that came with it.I got asked this week, “Why would a girl like you go to a school like this?” Why would I? It’s just more of the same. My brother asked me what it is like to be working so hard towards a certain goal. I have been working this hard my entire life. I don’t know any difference.
I need a shower. But I don’t want to redo my makeup. That is laziness to a new level. I am happy that it is Friday, but with a level of pessimism that I haven’t felt since adolescence, I just remind myself that I have to wake up and do it all again come Monday. Oh Monday. The only day I hate worse is Sunday.
Even this, my favorite, feels melancholy today.