I had a job interview today. It is for a summer internship that would lead me in a slightly different direction. A slight veer on the path I have been taking. I was talking to Rob, hemming and hawing about what to do about it and he said, “Well, it will be less grisly than the jobs you have worked thus far.” He said thus far because he is British. And I am down with that.
The thing is, he said it as if it was a positive thing. Less death and destruction! Oh Boy! But that’s just not how I roll. I like the grisly. I like that my job makes me feel like I am helping people but I also like that it exposes me to an entire underbelly of society that I knew existed in children’s nightmares, but never thought walked down the street in broad daylight. I wish I could say that it is only the fact that I am helping bring light that draws me to the darkness, but it is something more than that. I have this want to see it, to be the one fixing it. To know it for what it is. When I think about the image I have for myself in my career the word crusader comes to mind. But that still might be cutting it short.
I have never been explicit about what I do and, for the time being, I can’t be. Lets just say that for the past year I have dealt with for some of the worst of the worst and I have enjoyed it. I head towards topics people grimace at and I don’t know why. I do know that I find “fixing” these situations a reward of the utmost. I know that I am honing a sense of what I feel justice is and that it seems to align on the right side of things.
I was talking to a professor about job opportunities and he said, “That’s a great place to work. Tons of desert. Good place to dump bodies.” My idea of what constitutes good crime rates has changed. I can’t fix what isn’t there. I have no desire to sit behind a desk for the rest of my life. What does that make me?
Less grisly. Less grisly made me skeptical. I ran to my dad and said, “Really, less grisly?! Not what I signed up for!” He calmed me quite succinctly:
“They shoot people everyday. Eventually it will end up on your desk.”