Sometimes I catch myself thinking this whole lawyer thing might actually work out. I might actually graduate and become a lawyer and earn enough money to feed myself and maybe not feel guilty when I buy a cup of coffee. Sometimes I feel like I am working my ass off and I am actually accomplishing what needs to be accomplished. And I revel in this feeling for maybe a whole five minutes and then it kicks in.
I could still fail out of law school. I could fail the bar. I could spend months and months looking for a job and find nothing and have to move in with my parents. I could get my grades back from this semester and have straight D’s. I mean, it is possible. Some days, I feel as if all of this is not only possible, but probable.
And it has always been this way. In grad school I was convinced I had failed out before I even finished my dissertation. I don’t need anyone to doubt my abilities – I do that enough on my own. Rob is always getting on my case about it. Because the way I see it, when I come up short, it is no one’s fault but my own. I could have worked harder. Slept less, spent more time studying. I could have been smarter, prepared earlier, taken less time off. I never look at it as “bad luck” or “it is what it is.” My paper, test, assignment, whatever, is substandard and it is no one’s fault but my own. I generally doubt my effort more often than I doubt my capabilities. I know I could have done better; I just didn’t work hard enough. That is what rings in my head most often.
Today was a good day for me. Important law school/lawyer things fell into place. I got good news. I dared to feel like this was all going to work. I stared out the car window and thought about my future, smiling. Rare for me.
I hope for the best but plan for the worst. Today, briefly, I forgot about the worst and smiled at the sunset.