Lest I begin to feel safe

Sometimes I catch myself thinking this whole lawyer thing might actually work out.  I might actually graduate and become a lawyer and earn enough money to feed myself and maybe not feel guilty when I buy a cup of coffee.  Sometimes I feel like I am working my ass off and I am actually accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.  And I revel in this feeling for maybe a whole five minutes and then it kicks in.

I could still fail out of law school.  I could fail the bar.  I could spend months and months looking for a job and find nothing and have to move in with my parents. I could get my grades back from this semester and have straight D’s.  I mean, it is possible.  Some days, I feel as if all of this is not only possible, but probable.

And it has always been this way.  In grad school I was convinced I had failed out before I even finished my dissertation.  I don’t need anyone to doubt my abilities – I do that enough on my own.  Rob is always getting on my case about it.  Because the way I see it, when I come up short, it is no one’s fault but my own.  I could have worked harder.  Slept less, spent more time studying.  I could have been smarter, prepared earlier, taken less time off.  I never look at it as “bad luck” or “it is what it is.”  My paper, test, assignment, whatever, is substandard and it is no one’s fault but my own.  I generally doubt my effort more often than I doubt my capabilities.  I know I could have done better; I just didn’t work hard enough.  That is what rings in my head most often.

Today was a good day for me.  Important law school/lawyer things fell into place.  I got good news.  I dared to feel like this was all going to work.  I stared out the car window and thought about my future, smiling.  Rare for me.

I hope for the best but plan for the worst.  Today, briefly, I forgot about the worst and smiled at the sunset.

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