I am almost a month into full time bar study, and as of late, I can only think of one word to describe the process: isolating.
Pushing myself like this and studying like this is doing tricky things in the dark corners of my mind. Making me feel like I need someone, anyone, to talk to. But I do talk. All day, everyday. I just feel like I chop and change so much from one minute to the next that it is hard for anyone to get a picture of what is going on. One minute I can feel like I am going to kick this exam’s ass and the next I am certain I won’t make it through the three days of testing. Or this next six weeks of studying.
I am doing everything in my power to maintain my physical and mental health but it still seems to fall short. I am hungry then sick to my stomach in an instant. As a result, I am trying to keep myself to an eating schedule so I don’t get 4,000 calories in one day and 500 in another. So far so good. But then there is the other side of me that is worried that this new eating schedule is a symptom of my feeling that I need to have something in control when everything feels like it is swimming.
Mentally I am trying to take breaks and let my mind wander. Watch TV. Bad TV. Scary TV. It seems to keep me thinking about other things better than Gilmore Girls. But then I guilt myself back to the grind and I don’t even know if that is healthy, normal.
I have entered into one of the hardest topics this week and I feel like I am drowning in it. I am going over and over my notes and still, the words are falling out of my head.
And then there is the life outside of my panicked mind. Rob and my family are ridiculously supportive and encouraging. I have a quiet place to study and someone to cook me dinner. I don’t even have to grocery shop or do laundry. You would think I would have no complaints. And I don’t.
No complaints about what is going on, on the outside. What is going on inside my head is another story.