All of the blogs and websites and guidance say that I need to give myself time to grieve. Time to grieve the Bar I didn’t pass and be sad for what could have been. The issue I am having is that I am not just grieving over the Bar, I am grieving over the life that I thought I wanted – or at least the life I thought I could be happy with.
I have spent the past year of my life working at a firm, on and off, and I have hated it with every fiber of my being most days. My life was spent pushing paper from one desk to the next – not really helping anyone or making the sort of changes in others’ lives that I had always hoped to. I sat at a desk and typed. And as much as I attempted to convince myself that it would get better with Bar results or that it would get better when I got more experience – it wouldn’t. The kinds of cases I would be handed would do nothing to satiate my need to feel that I was making some sort of a difference. Almost everything I worked on came down to petty fights and arguments over the wording in agreements. What can we hold them to? Rather than, what was actually trying to be said?
I never wanted to work at a firm. I didn’t go into law for the big paycheck. I never wanted this. And somehow I landed here, realizing now, that I have been trying to stuff myself into a position that I have no interest in.
I guess I am 2 years late on my quarter life crisis? 27. 27 and I still don’t have it together. When does that happen? I honestly have grieved that I didn’t pass the Bar and have made my peace with the fact that I have to do it all over again. What I haven’t mourned is the last three years that I spent, thinking that this was the path I was supposed to be on. It is times like these that I think it would be so much easier to just fall into something, rather than to attempt to approach things with a goal and a purpose. You don’t get blamed for not liking something you just “fell into.” You do get blamed, and mightily so, for going after something with gusto and the realizing it isn’t ever what you wanted.
I am caught between this desire to do something meaningful and “make a difference” whatever the hell that means, and wanting to do what I can “be okay” with. I am tired. I don’t know how long I have been tired, but I would guess around.. three years? Maybe four? I would love to find something and make a difference and be that person for someone, but I would also like to take a nap. I am tired of looking. Tired of attempting to find something that says, here I am! This is it! I don’t think I am physically as tired as I feel, I am 27 for goodness sake. I am emotionally tired of hunting.
As I have said, I have a couple of ideas that I am getting in motion, but implementing them is going to take so. much. work. And I really do need that nap. Though.. one of these plans brings me so much joy, more on that soon.
So here I am, studying for the Bar for the second time, while knowing that the legal field is quite possibly the last area I wish to be in.
Photo of Bears Mill, by my lovely husband.