Reeling

Grief is a quiet thing, that sneaks up on me.  It catches in the back of my throat, when I least expect it.  It makes my eyes water and I am stuck deciding whether to have a good cry or whether PCH is a dangerous place for blurred vision.

Today I picked up my new wedding set.  Nana decided that it was time that I turn one of her diamonds into an engagement ring.  I have worn all day, but it wasn’t until I was on my way home that I started to think about him and what it would mean to him that I was wearing it.

I think I have spent the past couple of weeks reeling from the blow and it hasn’t properly sunk in until this week.  It was my first funeral.  I gave the eulogy and kept it together.. mostly.  I met new family.  I saw old friends.  I was told I look like my mother more times than I can count.  I got mistaken for my mother for the first time.  That was new.

I know I need to give myself time, but I don’t really have the time right now.  I have to take these finals and write this paper and pass the Bar so I can be the lawyer he wanted me to be.  For now grief is going to have to be something I fight back and push under the rug.  And my therapist said that is okay.  So it is okay.

In the week after it happened my life reached dizzying levels of insanity.  I have since pushed things back, reorganized, and just stopped trying in some instances.  I, and the Dean, agree, I just need to pass. Just need to pass.

I will likely do more than that, but that is my goal for now.

I am not a keep things quiet type of person.  But this I have.  I don’t want to put my grief on others who didn’t ask for it.  So here is where I speak, for now.

photo

On a sidenote.  Holy diamond, Batman! I feel like I have a weapon.

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