I haven’t done the whole 9 to 5 thing in quite awhile. It has been school with work thrown in wherever it would fit. The ramifications of a full time job are interesting if not unexpected. I don’t have as much time alone with my thoughts, which is probably for the best at this point, but the time I do have is keenly felt. My mind seems to be drifting to dark places with more regularity. The uncertainty I feel abut the future threatens to engulf me on my walk home from work. Perhaps it is the darkness or the rain, but my thoughts seem so be as black as the sky above.
Of late, the practical things of day to day life are excellent. I am definitely no longer bored. We able to save money and Rob is able to work better when not worried about me sitting home waiting for him. I am eating better because I have a schedule and I am getting exercise in my walk to and from work.
But the intangible is bogging me down. I feel like with law school I finally know what I want to be doing. What I need to be doing. The fear of the unknown, throwing myself into something new and possibly wonderful can be overwhelming. The fear of failure in the process sometimes feels so great I wonder how I am ever going to get through it all. Then the other side of me says, you’ll do it the same way you’ve always done it. work your ass off.
There are things, other things, that I can’t share here and now. There is no doubt in my mind that I am doing what I need to be doing, but sometimes in the dark corners of my mind I feel like maybe I am asking for too much. Like maybe it is time to settle. To find a job that is enough, not a dream, but enough.
And it is on my walk home that the battle wages on between what I want and what is easy.
I want to be a lawyer. I want to fight for those who have no voice. While I know that there are numerous ways in which to do this, being a lawyer suits me. It suits me well.
The battle has already been won, I will be at law school come hell or high water, I just wish I didn’t have to replay the ramifications of this over and over in my head.