I have blogged so much about my anxiety here that I really need to make a tag for it. Or change the title of my blog to The Anxiety Files. It is something that I try to share openly about because it is difficult for me and I try to face it head on. I also want to make it clear that dealing with anxiety can be as serious and crippling as dealing with depression. Simply telling me to stop worrying is not generally helpful. For every time Rob tells me not to worry about something, I have already told myself not to worry about it a hundred times over. There are some days I spend half my time worrying and the other half trying to calm myself down. And yes, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, both of whom make my anxiety much more manageable and help me live, what appears on the outside, a normal life.
But there are still times that I let my anxiety creep in, like a fog. I don’t notice things are getting misty until it’s too late and my ability to think rationally has gone out the window. Weirdly, this happens when I have nothing really to be anxious about. I make up things to be anxious about. Talk about a fun time.
So, that is what happened to me this past week and it has been a doozy. I was on vacation and thus had nothing to worry about. Therefore, I came up with things to worry about. Praise God for knowing my needs and providing for me by giving me an insanely patient and ridiculously rational husband. I don’t know what I would do without Rob being able to calmly tell me for the millionth time that I am okay. We are okay. Take the next step. Actually, I am just now coming to realize that his ability to calmly and emphatically tell me that my worst fears aren’t coming to pass is the closest I have come to being able to lean on God when it comes to anxiety. I have no reason to believe that Rob knows all the answers, I just do. No, Jen, you aren’t going to have to drop out of law school because you have been called for jury duty.
And slowly, ever so slowly, I am trying to see that it works just as well (if not better, obviously) to lean on God. Even though I can’t look Him in the eye, and receive reassurance, reassurance comes the same. And hopefully, slowly, I will ask less. I will cast out my worries before I let them sink me. I will know to turn something over to God before I let it become a mess.
And that is what Rob and I talked about at dinner tonight, turning to God before I let it turn upside down. Often, anxiety limits my ability to think clearly, but I don’t see it because I don’t share the worries I have. I worry that people will think I am crazy. Talk about a vicious circle. Talking them out with Rob, really talking them out helps so much. I didn’t think it would. I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly…
And now for your viewing pleasure, me and my patient husband, in Jamaica.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. Psalm 55:22