when to ask for help

I am not a doctor. Go talk to yours.

I am taking my current unemployed state as an opportunity to really get my shit together.  I found a new psychiatrist, a dietician, general doctor, etc.  I also have been planning Rob’s life to a lesser extent.  He is thrilled about his new doctor and the physical that he has scheduled.

One of the goals with my new psychiatrist is to slowly taper off my anxiety meds, until I am on none.  I started taking Celexa when I was at a breaking point.  My last year in England left me emotionally damaged and near the edge.  I was a nervous mess.  My first day of orientation at law school I scheduled an appointment with the campus psychiatrist and didn’t look back.

My psychiatrist and the meds were a Godsend.  Law school was the first time I had taken meds, I wasn’t sure what to expect.  So many people told me that I wouldn’t feel anymore or that I wouldn’t be me anymore.  Neither of those things happened.  The best I can describe it, is that it lessened the panic enough to let me get out from under it.  It is hard to manage your anxiety when you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest.  Celexa didn’t take that feeling of weight away, it just made the anxiety feel more manageable.  Think, large dog, rather than elephant.

I saw my psychiatrist throughout law school and stayed on the Celexa.  In my last year the little cogs in my mind starting clicking and I decided it might just be time to taper off.  I never wanted to be on meds forever and my doctor agreed that I was managing well enough to start to work towards being off of it.  Well, I had slowly halved my prescription when my grandpa died.  Doc put me right back up to my normal amount.

I didn’t really think about it again until this January.  There was no way I was messing with my meds during the Bar, don’t be silly. Then I was without health insurance until January.  Who loves the Affordable Care Act? This girl!  Then there was actually finding a psychiatrist.  Mine from Pepperdine wasn’t covered under my new insurance.  He’s also on the other side of LA.  Not that that would have stopped me..

So, after three weeks of calling I found someone only four cities over.  (Seriously kids, if you are trying to decide what to major in, psychiatry needs you!)  I would hate to think what it would be like if I didn’t live in the LA area.

Anyway, I met him and we talked and talked and he agreed, I didn’t need the Celexa anymore.  We made a plan.  I start by cutting my dosage in half.  Then in half again.  Then nothing.  I am a little a more than a week into this plan and I feel.. fine.  Me.  We’ll see how it goes when I go half again.

Though the timing of this decision seems poor, given I only miscarried a month ago, I am managing.

I am not 100% and I am not over it.. does anyone ever get over it? .. I am okay. The same week I met with my psychiatrist and decided to taper off, my therapist fired me. I don’t need therapy right now.  I am happy and handling and our hours had become far too quiet.  It was abrupt and surprising to me, but not unwelcome.  It is nice to know a mental healthcare professional thinks I am strong enough and okay enough to know when I’m not okay and to figure that out on my own.

I know when to ask for help.

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Though my comment about not being a doctor may seem flippant, I wouldn’t be where I am without an excellent team of mental healthcare professionals.  If you think you might want to see someone – do it. 

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